You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
