Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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