Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i dont even know how to be here
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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