the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
