he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
