is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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