Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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