at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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