that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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