I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize