I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
