I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Four minutes until I can fart!
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
