nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
