I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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