Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Couch. On fire.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
