someone threw a dead crab at me
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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