you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
