When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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