You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
