I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Everything about him screamed your future.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
