We won't sleep together?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I want a musical about memes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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