My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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