Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
