He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
