If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
