3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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