she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
