I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
