The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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