He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
