from now on my penis is your penis
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
