How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
