A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
