Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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