i'm signing you up for texting rehab
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
