I'm so fucking centered right now
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
