ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
