Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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