and next time when you feel me up, do it right
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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