dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
