I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
