Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
