dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
