We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
