Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
