If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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