I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
operation have a gay friend backfired
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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