we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
