I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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