Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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