hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They took my balls.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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