my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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