and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
