God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
