I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
