What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
