I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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