When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
