I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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