she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
