my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my shit smells like andre
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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