Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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