the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
