my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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