There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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