I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
