apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
