if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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